Some people know this story but last year, I was trying to get to New Orleans for my Mardi Gras parade and had a lot of travel problems. My flight got canceled, I spent hours in SFO airport, then had to go home and come back later that night to take a red-eye. At 4 AM, I found myself laying on the floor by a gate in Chicago O’Hare in a truly wretched state, just wanting someone to kill me. I finally made it to New Orleans at noon the next day with no luggage and no sleep. Coming home, my flight was delayed by something like four hours and I barely made it home. This is also about the fifth time this had happened to me.
In the past I mostly flew out of Atlanta, where Delta is the big carrier so I didn’t have a lot of experience with United. However, they have a hub at SFO, so when I booked a bunch of tickets in advance last year, they were all United Airlines or TED. Fast forward to now. I found out too late that United Airlines earned it’s bad ratings in Consumer Reports airline rankings. I’ve traveled a lot so I’m no stranger to airports and delays but every flight I took with United was delayed or canceled, most of the time by several hours. My last trip with them is a perfect case study because on that trip I was delayed, canceled, moved to other airlines and finally left with no luggage.
So, now that you know where I’m coming from, maybe you can appreciate this. I just found an open letter (rant?) that I wrote to air travel and United while sitting in the airport during that last trip. At the time, my goal was not to actually send it but rather to just rant and make myself feel better. Reading it now, I laughed and thought I’d share it. I’m glad that past me didn’t know how bad the return trip was going to be when he wrote this or he might have just begun to openly weep.
Here are the thoughts of a sleep-deprived, much abused traveler who had pretty much had it. Hope you enjoy.
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An set of open letters to the major airline carriers and all things that go along with air travel.
Dear Air Travel:
I know it’s been a while since we had that heart-to-heart we swore to but I just got busy. You know how it goes. Seriously though, I’m astounded how air travel continues to get worse and worse. What do you mean? I’m glad you asked.
On the subject of getting my tickets
I bought my tickets months ago and take advantage of web check-in, yet it still took me thirty minutes to check-in and drop off my one bag. There were self-checkin terminals open and a friendly worker nearby who stared at them as if he’d never seen one before, then just let the 100+ confused people continue to stand in line for an extra 30 minutes. Speaking of workers, I know times are tough but you could probably spring for more than 2 people behind those 20 counters you have. I don’t even have the heart to take my anger out on those poor souls because they look like they’re suffering enough.
On the subject of security
To the person in line (you know who you are). We’ve been living in the fear state for a few years now. You know that you can’t bring liquids in general. You know you have to take your shoes off. You know that there are a ton of people behind you. You know that those underpaid TSA workers are just dying for something to relieve the boredom. Still, without fail you walk up, look confused about your bag of lotion, declare there’s no way you could possibly leave it, walk through the metal detector with your watch, do it another few times before you get it right, then go to the other side and hold up the machine while you check your bag for that very important gum you need. It takes all my will not to slap you. Shut up, get off the phone, throw away your bottle of water, get your stuff through and get out of the WAY.
On the subject of airports in general
I love nothing more than being a captive audience in the US. Don’t get me wrong, I love capitalism as much as anyone, however, whether it’s a hotel or an airline, you sure know how to look out for your customers best interests. $10 for wi-fi, $4 for a bottle of water. Want something to eat? Pizza Hut and Burger King it is. Did I miss something? Am I at the amusement park? You know what? Get a roller-coaster or two and I’ll shut up. Until then, you ought to be ashamed.
On the subject of getting on the plane
I’m one of those old fashioned guys that thinks when I pay for something, I am actually going to get it. Then you have air travel. I understand weather but I can’t even remember the last flight I took that was actually on time. Most delays run between 30 minutes and an hour and half. Half of the time the gates change without even an announcement because the people at the desk (if there are any) are too busy dealing with the angry people from the delayed flight before yours. Not to mention the times you’ve rebooked me so that I miss my connector or don’t get to go at all today. That voicemail alert you sent me was great too. I’ll enjoy it while I’m standing in line for an hour at customer service (which is nearly impossible to find). I can’t wait to tell the person behind the counter that I paid for a service four months ago that they were supposed to deliver today, That moment when they look at me like I’m an idiot and try to rebook me for next Thursday is great. Thanks.
On the subject of actually flying
I’m one of those people that puts my headphones on and hunkers down in a book so I can’t complain too much about the flights. My main complaints are again the captive audience. $3.95 for a 30 minute TV episode? No wonder people download stuff to watch on their iPods. The other thing is the food. Enough has been said about the food that I can’t really add much, except to say that the last time I went home, I brought a friend of mine who has never flown my courtesy “in-flight meal” and he honestly thought I was playing a joke on him.
On the subject of United Airlines
I won’t even begin to apologize for singling United Airlines out. I haven’t flown them much but I guess their cross-country flights are cheap because I’ve had several recently. I can honestly say that no other airline has made me feel so much like an unwanted guest. I’ve had 3 flights delayed over 6 hours in the last few months. Dear United, I want to thank you for the day you gave me. I was here early and sitting at my gate when you changed it without warning or notice. It’s also delayed over two hours. No big deal. It’s bad weather out so I forgive you. I figured it out and looked at my ticket, then realized that I yet again was going to miss my [Denver] connector. I stood in line for 20 minutes waiting to speak with the people at the gate who declared with obvious contempt that they were dealing with two other separate delayed flights and that I’d have to go to customer service on the other end of the terminal. Still not panicked.
Current score: no flight
I made my way to customer service, passing another Denver flight on the way. When I finally got to the counter, the manager, a real comedian remarked “Hey, you just missed that last Denver flight. It left with empty seats.” Keeping my temper, I complimented his tie and funny guy booked me on Continental because United couldn’t get me there at all. He said that I’d lose my baggage but if I was okay with that, he could get me there. I said no problem. He assured me that they do this all the time and that there would be no problem. If there was, come back and they’d deal with me immediately. Cut to 2 terminals away, where I’m standing at the Continental counter with a very sarcastic woman and her manager, both of who refuse to let me fly Continental because I don’t have my bag. They assured me that United should knows this and that they will not take me under any circumstances. The also demand that I rebook at United, even though there are no flights.
Current score: no flight, no bag
I went back to the United terminal and ran into a lovely woman who assured me that she could care less what anyone told me and that i could wait in line to talk to a customer service person. There were 3 people dealing with at least 50 people. The line barely moved. I waited two hours in that line, missing both of my previous flights. When I finally got to the front, the line had actually grown to twice it’s previous length and one of the UA people was going on break. The rep assured me that I’ll probably see my bag again someday but I doubt it.
Final score: a red-eye with a 3 hour lay-over, no bag. Awesome.
It’s tempting to think of this as a single bad experience but pretty much every experience I’ve had with United has been this way and they seem to be getting worse. I’m betting my flight home is a disaster as well. United Airlines, don’t call, don’t write and don’t expect to see me again. It’s not me, it’s you. Now I see why you placed dead last in Consumer Reports airline rankings last year.
To the rest of the airline industry: you better hope no one figures out a better method of travel than planes because if so, you’ll go down quick and no one will have your back. The only companies I know that inspire as much animosity as air travel are the RIAA and Ticketmaster. Good riddance to you all.
